?

Log in

Previous 10

Dec. 17th, 2011

Thinking

When I was in my teens and early twenties I despised people who I felt lived in a fantasy world, who didn't face up to the truth. I was contemptuous of people who I perceived as kidding themselves.
I realise now that sometimes you have to make a conscious decision not to think about certain things. Some things can't be changed. They can't be 'dealt with.' Some realities are too stark to stare in the face with equanimity every day, so people develop coping strategies. They choose not to think about it, or to think about things at a certain angle that gives them some reassurance, and if they're lucky they might eventually convince themselves that the lie is the truth.
Maybe it's wrong to judge people for that. Maybe its wrong to assume they're lacking in character or intelligence - even when their particular outlook annoys the hell out of us.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

Dec. 12th, 2011

Pity

For as far back as I can remember, every so often, something triggers a devastating pity in me. It's usually some very random seemingly trivial thought. I've just got it now. I'm doing my dad's books and I see that in May he made a sale to someone on Nantwich. That's a hell of a long way for my dad to deliver, so I'm wondering if the company has an office nearby which made the actual order. But the first thought that crossed my mind was, was my dad so desperate for business that he travelled all that way? And that triggered it. I felt overwhelmingly sad that my dad might have felt that way. It engenders a kind of desperation in myself that takes me right back to being god knows how young and wanting, more than anything in the world, for the people around me to be happy.

It's a horrible feeling, a haunting, harrowing despair, a kind of mustard gas for the soul. It strips my heart of the cosy softness that people normally manage to insulate themselves with in order to get through life. It makes me feel like I've been stamped into the grit. Fortunately it doesn't happen often. I wish I knew how to stop it. I explained it, many years ago, to a friend, and his opinion was that it was a great gift. It doesn't feel like it. I've read of other people having similar experiences, usually creative types. It's that experience that pushes them to express themselves but it can also make them cruel to the people closest to them, and impossible to live with.

Nov. 7th, 2011

November


My friend Lynton killed himself when I was sixteen. Perhaps this had something to do with the re-emergence of my self harming. I know I felt guilty – and still do – because Lynton had told me he wanted to kill himself, told me he had tried it – and I didn’t take it seriously enough. Now I can think that whatever I had done, or said, wouldn’t have stopped him doing it. But I still feel guilty.
 
Read more...Collapse )

Oct. 25th, 2011

The Abyss


Sometimes I feel sad and I don’t really know why. I just have a hot hard pulsing lump of pain rattling around angrily inside the hollow chambers of my heart, trying to make itself felt and heard. I don’t know where it comes from. But I hear it sometimes in other people’s words, sometimes in songs.

Read more...Collapse )

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Oct. 24th, 2011

Educating Alita - prologue

One of my favourite school teachers, one who influenced me the most, was my art teacher, Mr Roberts. He was approaching 60, I think, with grey hair and aviator glasses. It says something for his force of personality that he could wear aviator glasses and carry them off. At the end of my third year he announced he was retiring. He wasn’t actually going to leave, but stay on part time to teach the GCSE students. For some reason this meant that for the first 6 weeks of the following year he had to take leave. In the meantime we would be taught by a stand in – a friend of his called Mr Porritt.
Read more...Collapse )

Oct. 22nd, 2011

Educating Alita

I'm now an Open University student. Exciting! Never mind that I have reached the limit of my overdraft and need to work full time at least until my course starts to clear it.. I've taken the plunge and may actually get somewhere. It's an openings course which means I have to study 6-8 hours a week for 4-5 months. Well I probably spend that much time on you tube and reading, so I'm sure I can cope with that.
If I go on to start a diploma its 16 hours a week for 9 months. Last year that seemed impossible, but I'm in the mood now where I want to try to make it possible. 3 hours 15 minutes a day, 5 days a week - there must be a way of making that possible? I just really wish Stu had a 'proper' job. But then I wish I'd done this years ago. Wishes are pointless until they become plans.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

Oct. 20th, 2011

Irrational

I get irrationally irate over silly things. Take the following example.
Stu- why is the bills account overdrawn?
Me- because the skanky whore who rents our flat didn't feel like paying her rent for a few months.
Stu- so how much are we overdrawn?
Me- about such and such.
Stu- I wonder why?

Wtf? You wonder why? I've just told you! Weren't you fucking listening? Or does your mouth just make random meaningless noises for the sake of it, that have no connection with anything that goes through what passes for your brain?

God I'm such a bitch.

Incidentally I wonder if there is some profoundly intelligent, academic, cyclic rhythm type reason that all the Rocky films have basically the same plot... Or if it's just a woeful lack of imagination on Sylvester Stallone's part. Okay so the first film was good. But as a character in a rather good film said to one of my favourite actors, quitting while you're ahead isn't the same as quitting.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

Oct. 19th, 2011

(no subject)

The weight of the day is bearing down on me like a ton of suffocation crushed into my chest.
On the plus side, I have an idea for a picture I want to paint. If I can get Stu to take a couple of photos without putting his thumb over the screen, maybe I can get started this week. That makes me feel a bit happier.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

Oct. 12th, 2011

Mediocre

Every so often I get frustrated by my own limitations, enraged by the cage I put myself in. I have this drive that asserts itself sometimes, to express myself, to shout out loud, to let the world know I'm here and leave a mark on it. And then I realise I'm just ordinary, mediocre, unexceptional.

Read more...Collapse )

Tags:

Nov. 28th, 2010

Fragile

It never fails to alarm me when I realise how fragile my moods can be. Since yesterday morning I've been feeling drained, flat and tearful, and I don't know why. I really don't. I had a slight hangover on saturday. Maybe that's it. Or - dread thought - there's a very slim chance I might be pregnant, although it is extremely slim.

Read more...Collapse )

Tags:

Previous 10